Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Feeling Inadequate

I have been feeling a little down lately. Kind of like an inadequate piece of crap, really. Not by the influence of anyone outside of myself but by my own admonishments. I never have the energy I feel that I need to get through a productive day. I push myself when people are around, but I struggle so much with fatigue and lack of motivation. I don't know that I'm "saving it up" like I sometimes hope, because when I *really* need it, it is there.... But where is it the rest of the time?

I think we're getting a cold. (we meaning my little household--myself, Katie, and my boyfriend)... She is not nearly as lethargic as I am. I feel like I could sleep for 24 hours. Sadly, I probably could if I had the chance.... The dishes are piling up in the sink, the laundry is awaiting transport from the washer to the dryer. And I just can't care. Katie has been happy and cuddly for the most part... No worse for the wear as they say. But we could both use a bath!

I stumbled across Katherine Wolf's story today, thanks to Nienie's blog.... All I can say is wow. Both of these women are close in age to me, yet I feel like they are decades wiser. Something happens to you, I think, when your life is forcibly simplified like it was for these two women. Survival was first and foremost, and family a close second. I still get distracted by friends, projects, appearances, material things.... etc. I do not of course wish for a life threatening experience, but I do wish I could channel the focus and simplicity that results from these events.

Sometimes with Katie's challenges I chastise myself for desiring a more "normal" life. To pretend like my daughter doesn't struggle to communicate or require my constant attention to survive. Any fantasy I have always has to wake up to the reality that this is not my life. What Katie and I face is our life. And it is beautiful. It isn't as hard as it could be. I really do wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I wish I was a better housekeeper. I wish I made all the phone calls I need to make, cleaned out my car, and dealt with sorting the laundry before it became a pile on the floor. But grace and God allow me the truth that Katie is healthy, happy, and blissfully unaware of her mother's shortcomings! And her happiness is truly all that matters. Because when baby's happy, Mama's happy!

**I love what Katherine says in her journal about trials and struggles.... and about "Using the Good Stuff"--a philosophy I have always subscribed to!

Suffering is Universal

I consider my greatest fault/character flaw/sin to be my extreme naiveté; however, I am not naïve to the fact that everyone around me is suffering through something right now. I am not the only one going through a lot. While my situation is extreme, we all face difficult trials every day. Clearly, you don’t have to be experiencing a major medical issue to be able to understand suffering. There are hard and sad things in this world that are awful and painful. There are children who are abused; there is homelessness and people who go to bed hungry. There are unmet expectations and broken relationships. People have affairs. Parents divorce. There is disease, and there are freak accidents. Women miscarry, and couples can’t get pregnant. People die. Life is hard, no matter who you are. Because of this, we need to give each other slack (because we often never know what someone else is going through deep inside), spread love over everyone in our lives, and find hope in the Lord’s promise that our suffering is never in vain.

Use the Good Stuff

Patty Roper, Joanna Martin, Brenda See and their daughters threw me a lovely “Paper and Linen” Shower in Montgomery (it was the first of 13 parties before I got married –I’m not kidding). As the hostess gift, they gave me a gorgeous set of monogrammed sheets. I was saving them to use when we had our own home. Had I died last April, I would have NEVER used those sheets. They would have been saved for 4 years for nothing! I think my situation points to the fact that you should use the good stuff and do all those things you have always wanted to do. Who cares if the baby might stain it or something gets broken. It’s definitely better to find enjoyment in special things now then feeling regretful for having those things sit, uselessly in a closet, never being used and enjoyed. We are not promised tomorrow, and we need to live like it is our last today and celebrate the gift of each day.