Thursday, September 23, 2010

Unconditional Love... and Inside Jokes

I was thinking about my life with Katie, the other day, as I often do.... As a mother, I know the unconditional love for a child. It is more intense than I ever imagined. And though Katie's situation is sometimes disheartening, I still know for certain that there is nothing that would make me forsake her.

There is absolutely nothing she could ever say or do that would make me love her less. Of course, I also realize the simple flaw in this statement--the fact that she cannot say anything at all, and her motives are always pure because of her disability. Sure we have our "disagreements", she wants something which she can't articulate and I get pinched and pulverized for my ignorance or noncompliance with her desires. But I suppose in the rebellion-aspect, I have little to worry about from her.

But I do love her so intensely that it scares me. I tend toward anxiety as it is, and the uncertainty of Katie's health and medical issues is an easy instigator for my anxiety-prone mind. I worry about her future, her health, the random grand mal seizures which scare the life out of me and make her appear nearly gone to this world for several minutes. I fear that I will somehow fail her, and an accident will occur that I will be unable to forgive myself for. I can't leave her alone for more than a minute as she is nimble enough when she wants to be, and her seizures rob her of her balance.

Most of the time, though, I can bask in her simple joys. We have what I like to call "inside jokes." She will look at me, and I will catch the twinkle in her eye, and we both break out laughing. Eye contact has always been difficult for Katie, for reasons I cannot explain to my own satisfaction. Possibly cortical visual impairment, though I couldn't get this looked into by the "professionals" at her school. They felt her vision was good enough and if CVI was a factor, it was nearly resolved. That's cool. Don't listen to the person who spends all of her waking time with Katie. Rely on your 30 minute "assessment." **meh** But I digress.

The way she looks into my eyes and the giggle fits we get into.... that is the closest to pure joy I have ever been in my life. It literally takes my breath away. Those big blue eyes, that mischievious look..... Nothin' better. So I realize I have it easy when I think hard about it. Katie will not disown me, nor I her. There won't be battles over clothing or slamming doors and hateful words.... But it is a bittersweet victory as there won't be "I love you, Mom" or "Thank you for helping me. You always know how to make me feel better." I just have to see that gleam in her eye and know that she means it.

No comments:

Post a Comment