Monday, October 4, 2010


I have been "nesting" for the past 4 months... collecting little bits of string and fluff to make my nest unique and comfortable for my little family, which is my world. By string and fluff of course Imean vintage embroidered pillowcases, tablecloths, and cute towels with colorful, retro owl designs on them. It's mostly a linen thing, for some reason. Probably because I already have most necessary household items and the only things to improve on are the decorative accoutrements. And no! For cryin' out loud, I am NOT pregnant!

The irony here, for those of you playing along at home, is that I have no nest. Not officially anyway. Katie and I are staying with my former in-laws. I wish there was another name for them, as "ex in-laws" seems disconnected and cold. I suppose "friends", "secondary parents", or "dear cherished wonderful supportive people who owe me nothing and give me more than I could ever dream"........ Maybe there's an acronym for that! So we are invading their space, which they swear they don't mind... And I hope that is always the case!
So it seems odd to me that I scour the second hand stores and craft fairs, etc, to find beautiful little things to make a home cozy, and then wash and fold them, and place them in the top of my closet. At this point, I would have to rely entirely on someone else for us to actually have our own home, though homeownership is my ultimate dream. I know there are programs, and I am working on improving my credit score and whatnot. But all of that is a long long long way away, and I am at the mercy of others for an indeterminate time.

I was thinking about this recent (and longest I've experienced) period of nesting I'm going through. I was thinking about my miscarriages, and the interesting pregnancy I had with Katie. It was actually interesting because it was uneventful, and nothing really came up as a true red flag... all the things that happened could have been coincidental or written off, but the combination of things and the passing of time, makes them seem more significant as pieces of the "Katie puzzle". She was less active in the womb than most babies (as I read a LOT during this time and was often concerned...), in fact she failed a nonstress test 4 days before birth because she didn't react to it! She had a 2 vessel umbilical cord, which often leads to kidney issues and other problems. (we had no problems, it was just weird that it was a 2 vessel cord instead of the customary 3)... Katie was 11 days late, and I am SURE of my dates because I stopped taking my birth control (bad idea), and was pregnant exactly 4 weeks later. Her fontanelle (soft spot) was huge, and covered most of the top of her head when she was born... when I geeked out, her pediatrician said, "Don't worry, it will close before she goes off to college." Funny, even at the time, but didn't make me feel like it was less significant of an oddness about Katie.

There are more things, and we discovered a lot as she grew and even now, things come up every 2 years or so that present new challenges--ie. seizures, bowel issues, etc. But what I find even more significant and puzzling, is that I have had 4 miscarriages since I gave birth to Katie. She is my one and only. 3 of which were with Katie's father, and the 4th with my current boyfriend. I was hoping, shame on me, that the miscarriages would end when I got a new partner, but alas that was not the case.

So with Katie's "issues", I wonder if her birth can be called a "successful" pregnancy as they say in the biz. I am not at all saying that she is not the love of my life, my best friend, and my darling child, but seriously, if there is a genetic component to her symptoms, then what is going on here? None of my failed pregnancies made it past 9 weeks, so I have very little data on what happened. And it didn't help that the first 3 were written off as coincidence/bad luck/whatever, so they weren't careful examined. Even the 4th wasn't really evaluated much, so I really don't know what to think.

I ponder these things sometimes at great lengths. I long for more children; I cherish my friends' children with all my heart and always wish they were mine until they misbehave... (the luxury of being an "auntie"!) I would love to help with foster care, and potentially adopt someday. Maybe that is why I am nesting. I am nearing 30 (I will be 29 this coming January), and the baby urge is intensifying greatly. So is the desire to have a home for my little family, where it can grow into a slightly bigger family...... and maybe even welcome in some children who otherwise wouldn't know the hugs, warm cozy blankets, and super special secret recipe chocolate chip cookies that I have to offer.

**BTW, that is not my house at the top of the page... but a house for sale that I adore, but of course couldn't ever afford!!!**

No comments:

Post a Comment